Strong Women Aren't Mean

Why Kindness Toward Others—and Yourself—is a Sign of Strength

By Mary R. Dittman, M.B.A.

I was a nerd in junior high and high school.

As such, I was regularly teased and made fun of by some of the popular girls.

Even today, I sometimes don’t realize someone has insulted me until another person points it out. I tend to give people the benefit of the doubt.

Maybe ignorance really is bliss.

But one thing I have learned is that meanness does not disappear when we leave junior high.

Mean girls can grow up to become mean women.

And today, we have more ways than ever to hurt one another.

A sarcastic comment.

A cutting text.

A social media post.

A screenshot shared with friends.

A nasty online review.

A sentence typed from the safety of a screen that we might never have the courage—or cruelty—to say to someone’s face.

We can hurt someone in seconds.

And then keep scrolling.

“I’m Just Being Honest” Is Not a Free Pass

Sometimes we justify unkindness by saying:

“Well, it’s true.”

Or:

“I’m just being honest.”

But truth alone does not make something worth saying.

It may be true that your friend has gained weight.

That does not mean she needs your unsolicited assessment of her body.

It may be true that someone made a poor decision.

That does not mean humiliating her will improve it.

It may be true that you dislike someone’s outfit, relationship, career choice, parenting decision, or personality.

You still do not have to say everything you think.

One of the marks of maturity is learning that not every true thought needs to become a spoken sentence.

There is a difference between honesty and cruelty.

Honesty has a purpose.

Cruelty often just wants a target.

Confidence Does Not Need to Make Someone Else Smaller

I think insecurity sometimes disguises itself as superiority.

We feel threatened, so we criticize.

We feel jealous, so we dismiss.

We feel rejected, so we attack.

We feel embarrassed, so we make sure the other person feels embarrassed too.

For a moment, it can make us feel powerful.

But tearing someone else down never actually builds us up.

A confident woman does not need another woman to look bad so she can look good.

She can compliment someone else without feeling diminished.

She can celebrate another woman’s success.

She can admit when someone else did something better.

She can disagree without humiliating.

She can defend herself without becoming vicious.

And she can walk away from a conflict without needing to deliver one final devastating line.

That is strength.

The Internet Makes Meanness Easy

The internet gives us a strange kind of distance from the people we hurt.

When we speak to someone face-to-face, we see the reaction.

We see the expression change.

We see the hurt.

We may hear the voice crack.

Online, we can launch a verbal hand grenade and never witness the impact.

That makes it very easy to forget that there is an actual human being on the other side of the screen.

So before posting something angry, I think it is worth asking:

Would I say this if this person were sitting across from me?

Would I say it in this tone?

Would I want someone speaking this way to me?

Am I trying to solve something—or punish someone?

And perhaps the most revealing question:

How will I feel about this tomorrow?

Sometimes the strongest response is no response at all.

Kindness Does Not Mean Becoming a Doormat

I want to be very clear about this.

Kindness does not mean allowing people to mistreat you.

You can be kind and end a relationship.

You can be kind and block someone.

You can be kind and report inappropriate behavior.

You can be kind and refuse a request.

You can be kind and say:

“That was disrespectful.”

“That isn’t acceptable to me.”

“I’m not continuing this conversation.”

“I don’t think this relationship is healthy for me.”

Kindness does not erase boundaries.

In fact, boundaries often help us remain kind because we are less likely to stay in situations until resentment explodes.

The goal is not to become endlessly accommodating.

The goal is to respond from wisdom rather than revenge.

Pay Attention to What Is Happening Inside You

When I find myself wanting to say something cutting, I think there is usually something happening underneath it.

Maybe I’m hurt.

Maybe I’m embarrassed.

Maybe I feel dismissed.

Maybe I feel rejected.

Maybe I’m angry.

Maybe I want someone else to hurt because I am hurting.

That does not mean every angry response comes from some deep psychological wound.

Sometimes we are simply annoyed.

But I do think strong reactions are worth examining.

What am I actually feeling?

What do I want this person to know?

What outcome am I hoping to create?

Do I want resolution?

Or do I want retaliation?

There is a difference.

Sometimes the Meanest Voice Is Your Own

Of course, some of us are much kinder to other people than we are to ourselves.

A friend once told me I was in an emotionally abusive relationship.

My abuser?

Me.

She was right.

I could say things to myself that I would never dream of saying to someone I loved.

“You’re so stupid.”

“You always mess things up.”

“Of course he didn’t choose you.”

“You look terrible.”

“What is wrong with you?”

We sometimes believe that being hard on ourselves will motivate us.

If I criticize myself enough, maybe I’ll improve.

If I shame myself enough, maybe I’ll change.

But shame rarely produces healthy change.

Usually, it just makes us feel worse.

And when we feel worse, we tend to make worse decisions.

Stop Insulting Yourself in Advance

I have a friend who used to preface her thoughts with statements like:

“This may be stupid, but…”

or:

“I may be dumb for thinking this…”

This woman has a doctoral degree.

She is neither stupid nor dumb.

But she had developed a habit of criticizing herself before anyone else had the opportunity.

I think many women do this.

We say:

“I know I look awful today.”

“I’m terrible at this.”

“This probably makes no sense.”

“I know nobody cares, but…”

Why?

Sometimes it is a defense mechanism.

If I insult myself first, maybe your criticism will hurt less.

But confidence without defensiveness means I do not need to beat you to the punch.

I can simply speak.

I can have an opinion.

I can make a mistake.

I can be imperfect.

And I do not have to apologize for existing before I even begin.

Talk to Yourself Like Someone You’re Responsible for Caring For

We often talk about self-love.

Sometimes that phrase feels vague to me.

So I prefer something more practical:

Talk to yourself like someone you are responsible for caring for.

That does not mean lying to yourself.

If you behaved badly, acknowledge it.

If you need to change something, change it.

If you made a mistake, learn from it.

But correction does not require abuse.

Instead of:

“I’m such an idiot.”

Try:

“That was not a good decision. What can I learn from it?”

Instead of:

“Nobody will ever love me.”

Try:

“I’m hurting right now, but this moment does not determine my future or my worth.”

Instead of:

“I ruin everything.”

Try:

“This did not go the way I wanted. What is actually within my control now?”

You can tell yourself the truth without being cruel.

Kindness Requires Confidence

I think genuine kindness requires more strength than meanness does.

It takes confidence to refrain from retaliating.

It takes confidence to apologize.

It takes confidence to admit you were wrong.

It takes confidence to let someone misunderstand you without chasing them for validation.

It takes confidence to walk away instead of escalating.

And it takes confidence to treat yourself with compassion when you are disappointed in yourself.

That does not mean we never get angry.

It does not mean we never speak firmly.

It does not mean we never confront wrongdoing.

It means our goal is not destruction.

We can be strong.

We can have standards.

We can protect ourselves.

We can tell the truth.

And we can still choose kindness.

That is not weakness.

That is peace with a backbone.

And that is confidence without defensiveness.

If Hurt Has Turned Into Anger

Sometimes meanness—especially toward ourselves—comes from a heart that is still hurting. If heartbreak has left you angry, ashamed, rejected, or stuck in a cycle of painful thoughts, my free ABC’s of Healing training can help you begin working through that pain and move forward with greater peace.

You can watch it here:

https://marydittman.mykajabi.com/abcsofhealing

Question: Where do you need to practice more kindness right now—toward someone else or toward yourself?