Stop Shrinking Your Life for a Relationship

What a Single Queen Taught Me About Living Well

By Mary R. Dittman, M.B.A.

It started with Netflix’s The Crown.

Then it was Victoria.

Then it was every movie or miniseries about Queen Elizabeth I that I could find.

Eventually, I moved on to an English-subtitled Russian television production about Catherine the Great.

Apparently, I have a thing for queens.

I’m not entirely sure why I’ve become so fascinated by history’s great ruling women, but I suspect it has something to do with the fact that they had to be incredibly shrewd.

In a world where courtiers jockeyed for influence and many men believed women were not fit to rule, a queen had to understand people. She had to know whom she could trust, when to speak, when to stay silent, when to compromise, and when to hold her ground.

And perhaps no queen fascinates me more than Elizabeth I.

Elizabeth ruled England from 1558 to 1603. Sometimes called “The Virgin Queen,” she never married and never had children. She had suitors and marriage negotiations throughout her reign, but ultimately, she remained single.

Now, I realize that the movies and television programs I enjoy take plenty of dramatic license. They are in the entertainment business, after all—not the historical preservation business.

But as I’ve read and watched stories about Elizabeth and other ruling queens, I’ve noticed some principles that have made me think differently about my own life.

No, you and I do not rule kingdoms.

But we have been entrusted with lives.

And I have learned that I can either steward mine carefully—or slowly give pieces of it away.

Here are a few lessons these queens have taught me.

Expect a High Standard

Queens expected to be treated with respect.

That did not mean being arrogant, demanding, or cruel. A wise ruler understood that loyalty had to be earned.

But she also understood her position.

She did not tolerate endless disrespect from the people around her.

I think many of us—especially women who deeply desire connection—can struggle here.

Sometimes we tolerate behavior we would never recommend that a friend tolerate because we are afraid that setting a boundary will cost us the relationship.

But healthy relationships require standards.

Kindness matters.

Honesty matters.

Respect matters.

Character matters.

And wanting a relationship does not require you to abandon the standards that protect your peace.

Take Care of the Kingdom

A ruling queen had responsibilities.

She could not simply abandon the affairs of state because she was infatuated with someone.

Her kingdom still needed her attention.

That idea has become especially meaningful to me because, in the past, I sometimes allowed relationships to take up far too much space in my life.

I would rearrange my schedule.

I would cut back on work.

I would turn down opportunities so I could spend more time with the man I was dating.

At the time, it felt romantic.

But when the relationship ended, I sometimes realized that I had made my own life smaller in order to make room for someone who was no longer there.

I had shrunk my kingdom.

Today, I try to think very differently.

God has entrusted me with a life.

That life includes my work, finances, health, friendships, home, ministry, abilities, opportunities, and responsibilities.

A relationship can become a wonderful part of that life.

But it should not require me to dismantle the rest of it.

Pay Attention to What He Brings Into Your Life

Historically, royal marriages were often political alliances. A potential husband was not evaluated simply because he was handsome, charming, or available.

The question was: What would this alliance bring to the kingdom?

Obviously, we are not negotiating treaties. 

But I think there is wisdom in asking a similar question.

What does this person bring into my life?

Does he bring peace or chaos?

Consistency or confusion?

Integrity or excuses?

Does his faith align with mine?

Does he handle responsibility well?

Does he respect my boundaries?

Can he communicate?

Is he emotionally healthy?

Does his presence make the life I am already building healthier—or does it begin to destabilize it?

Years ago, if a man asked me out and I was attracted to him, that was sometimes enough to earn him quite a bit of access to my life.

Today, I am much more discerning.

Chemistry is wonderful.

But chemistry is not character.

And attraction is not evidence that someone is capable of building a healthy life with me.

Not Everyone Belongs in the Inner Circle

Queens did not give everyone access to their private chambers.

People could work near them for years without being invited into their most intimate conversations.

That principle applies far beyond dating.

Not everyone needs full access to you.

Trust should develop over time.

A man does not automatically earn access to your deepest fears, dreams, vulnerabilities, finances, schedule, or future plans simply because there is romantic interest.

He earns trust by demonstrating consistency.

By keeping his word.

By behaving with integrity.

By respecting your boundaries.

By showing you, over time, who he actually is.

There is nothing unloving about allowing trust to grow slowly.

That is wisdom.

Don’t Beg Someone to Choose You

One of the things I find compelling about the stories of royal women is their emphasis on dignity.

That does not mean they never experienced fear, heartbreak, insecurity, or rejection.

Of course they did.

But there is something powerful about refusing to beg for a place in someone else’s life.

I wish I had understood that much earlier.

You should never have to audition endlessly for love.

You should not have to convince someone to see your value.

You should not have to chase a person who keeps showing you that he does not want the same relationship you want.

You can grieve.

You can be disappointed.

You can wish things had turned out differently.

And still walk away with your dignity intact.

Stop Shrinking Your Life

This may be the biggest lesson of all.

For a long time, I unconsciously treated marriage as though it would be the event that finally made my life complete.

So I sometimes behaved as if everything else were secondary.

My work.

My goals.

My friendships.

My opportunities.

My own development.

But I no longer believe that is a wise way to live.

Personally, I still prefer marriage to singleness.

I would love to share my life with the right man.

But I am no longer willing to make my present life smaller while I wait for that possibility.

And I am certainly not willing to settle for a relationship that makes my life worse simply so I can say that I am no longer single.

Elizabeth I reportedly expressed the idea that she would rather remain unmarried than marry in a way that compromised her freedom or position.

I understand that sentiment much more now than I once did.

I would rather be peacefully single than anxiously attached.

I would rather be alone than chronically disrespected.

I would rather continue building a good life than dismantle it to keep the wrong relationship.

That does not mean I have given up on marriage.

It means I have stopped giving marriage responsibility for whether my life is good.

And that is an important distinction.

Steward the Life God Has Given You

You and I are not queens.

We do not rule countries.

But as daughters of the King, we have been entrusted with something valuable: our lives.

We cannot control every circumstance.

We cannot guarantee that we will marry.

We cannot force another person to love us.

And we certainly cannot dictate God's plan.

But we can choose how faithfully we steward what He has already placed in our hands.

We can build strong friendships.

We can take care of our health.

We can manage our money wisely.

We can pursue meaningful work.

We can create homes we enjoy.

We can grow spiritually.

We can serve.

We can laugh.

We can travel.

We can learn.

We can build full, fruitful lives.

And if the right man eventually becomes part of that life, wonderful.

But we do not have to shrink the kingdom while we wait for him.

That is the One-Derful Life.

It is not pretending you never wish you were married.

It is learning how to be peaceful, purposeful, and fully alive while you are single—while remaining open to whatever God may have ahead.

Question: Have you ever shrunk some part of your life for a relationship—or while waiting for one? What is one part of your “kingdom” you would like to start building again?